Hari Seldon

I think and have thought since I was 12, that all emotion, all art, all of love can be reduced to Chemistry and Mathematical formulae. We are attracted to potential mates based on visual comparison of the form to the Divine Integer. Once a potential mate has been selected visually, we further winnow the choices down by smelling pheremones. I have actually become aware of rejecting possible mates because they just didn't 'smell' right to me. It's basically the same as the smell of your home. Others walk in the door and notice 'odors,' good or bad. You walk into your own home and unless something has changed, rather than consciously 'smelling,' you feel relaxed, comforted, safe, because it smells like you. We all smell our children. Underneath it all, we are making sure they give off our own particular 'family' scent. Other people's children don't. Some, like their parents, smell offensive to you, others are compatible. You know that person that you just instinctively know will never be your friend? Yep, pheremonal imbalance to you. And we think we are so far above the other Apes. How about music? Art? They both follow the fibonacci spiral and the divine integer. In fact, everything in our lives can only be pleasing if they fit into a set of rules we aren't even aware that we set. When I read Aasimov's Foundation Trilogy, at 11, I was completely taken by Hari Seldon and the whole idea of Psychohistory. Like Aasimov, I think that the whole of Human existence can be set in Mathematical form and seen/predicted; beginning, middle and end - from individuals, to Societies, to the entire Race's History and Future. At some point, anyway. Of course I loved the whole mathematical puzzles he put into all of his works. The Foundation trilogy and the double-helix quandary had me at my desk with slide-rule and papers for months, off and on, lol.

My First (for real) Building Search

jul 20, '06 11:57 pm for everyone Back about, well, more than a few years ago! My best friend at the time, "Rod", and I had graduated Peace Officer Training, (or for you plebescites out there, Police Academy) and had gone to work at the same small Department. After proper training with a Field-Training Officer, we'd been assigned as partners to patrol duty. As I said, this was a small Dept. and a small town, about 35, or 40 miles down a backroad from Ft. Worth, Tx. The only excitement we usually had was drunks coming north from Lake 'Whatnot' on the weekends, and of course, the ubiquitous speeders; the mayor's kin, who thought they could get away with anything; and the local "characters". One night, we were bored, riding around, pretending there was an outbreak of "Alien Ninjas landing in our area",( Those of you who have patrolled late night in rural areas know the type of boredom I'm talking about.) we got an alarm at the High-School Gym. Some of you may know how important football is in small-town Texas, and in this gym was all of the football equipment and training gear this town owned, including some really expensive weight training stuff. Well the alarm was for an open door at the boy's locker room, which enters directly into the weight-training room of the gym. Needless to say "Rod" and I were very keyed up! We ran 'code' (85mph[the fastest our worn-out old patrol car would do] with lights and siren going full-tilt) all the way to the school, ( a good 6 blocks) screeched up to the open door, and did the classic one-two entrance into dark unknown buildings, just we'd been taught. We cleared the weight-room, then turned left into the bathroom, cleared it, and continued on into the shower area. The shower stalls were set five individual open-front stalls down each side of this long, narrow, dark room. "Rod" and I were leapfrogging each other,(this is a method whereby each officer goes through a view restriction area, such as a doorway, then covers the other officer as he/she goes through the next one), weapons free, and interlocked with our flashlights, so that wherever you pointed your flashlight, there your weapon would be aimed also. You cops out there know the technique well. Anyway, there we were leapfrogging in the dark. In the last room to check, the shower room, tension level and adrenaline meter at "Full-throttle High". We got to the last two stalls, sweating, tense, nervous. I cleared the one to the left, then "Rod" leaped around the corner to the one on the right, and "BLAM!,BLAM!" I crouched, and turned to cover "Rod". He said he'd seen a man dressed in dark clothing, pointing a gun at him! I turned the corner, slowly, peaking around it, and found a full-length mirror, which had been shot-to-death in it's prime! I was so relieved that was all it was! Of course he had to buy a new mirror, and justify the shots fired. and be called "Barney Fife" for a while. As a matter of fact, the rest of the time he and I were partnered, they called us "Andy and Barney". Ah the old times! ©F.Pierce 7/21/06

all those questionaires and online dating jul 16, '06

all those questionaires and online dating jul 16, '06 11:24 pm for everyone What's up with all of that? I mean, really! Does someone think that by asking 10, 20 or 50 questions about what color are my eyes? what's my middle name? What color underwear do I have on my head, right now?...uh, well honestly, my head's going "commando", but, anyway. Are these people really serious? Do they think that I'll be anything other than put-out, bothered, or mildly agitated by these questions? Unless they come from an established friend, bam! Off they go to the delete bin. Did you ever think these were generated by some Pop-Psychology person, or Company, and that these will end up telling them all kinds of consumerish things about you, that they have no right to know? If I want them to know what I want, I'll buy it from them! Otherwise, it's none of their damn business if I sit around the house in my fuzzy-slippers, reading Dean Koontz books, while watching tv, while monitoring my computer! Another annoyance! These online dating scammers! Jeez, I'd like to E- harmonize Dr. Neal Clark-Warren's head! What kind of name is that anyway? Clark-Warren, is that a Clark, married to a Warren? Did he take his wife's name? Can you trust people with hyphenated names? I think not! At least not for important things like, is that lady in Illinois as big a psycho as the one in Louisiana? Are either of them as Psychotic as my ex? I've tried the yahoo! personals. Never got one reply, Lovehappens? the only reply I got was from somebody who was married, and thinking about leaving her husband. I told her, fine, decide, and if you leave him call me in two years! And this E-Harmonica! Boy, production-line to the max! and way too expensive! Anyway, that's just my thoughts on a couple of subjects. See ya later! ©F.Pierce 7/17/06

My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys? jul 14, '06

my heroes have always been cowboys? jul 14, '06 11:00 pm for everyone I just, I mean, well I saw this as a blog entry from one of my friends, and her blog really didn't have much to do with cowboys, per se. Except that I come from the heart of "Cowboy Country". We have always had the "dime-store" cowboy types here. They look like the tv/movie image of "cowboy" but, God help them if they actually had to ride a horse, let alone do real cowboy work. They usually wear nice hats, really nice "western-cut" shirts, jeans, and some fancy kind of boots. Then we have the "Rodeo" cowboys. Texas, folks, is full of "Rodeo Cowboys", and "Bullriders". These are distinguishable from the "dime-store" variety, in that they usually have a Texas, or Oklahoma accent to start with, they really do know how to ride a horse, if not for more than 8 seconds, and most of them, not that long! Else, they'd be champions, every one. Fancy belt-buckles notwithstanding. (You can buy these). Also, their hats have a more beat-up, used look to them, they've worn their fancy shirts more than once, and, if they're wearing fancy boots, they have a work pair somewhere nearby. They also wear Wranglers! Not just jeans. Wranglers tend to wear better, and last longer than your run-of-the-mill jeans, and they make our butts look better. So there. A lot of them have grown up on ranches, or farms, and they are real cowboys, as far as that goes, kind-of like Cowboys-in-Training. Then there're the real cowboys. A cowboy isn't as easily discerned as one might think. He isn't always wearing a cowboy hat, or boots. He looks uncomfortable in a fancy shirt, and jeans. "Them're Sunday clothes". He's almost always willing to help, and is polite. "Yes, ma'am, just keep on that way another five miles, and you're there." If you were to walk into a room with several guys hanging around, how would you be able to tell the cowboy? He's the one listening to everyone else, the one who smiles and nods at you when you walk in the door, or offers to help if you've got a load in your arms, unless the load is your kid, then he just smiles, sympathetically. A cowboy has lots of stories about the places he's been, the things he's done, and there's usually a lesson learned, somewhere in that story. A cowboy is the one, that if you were stranded somewhere, you just know, would know exactly what to do, and how to do it, to keep you safe, or he'd die trying. Cowboys have big knuckles, and scars, but not a lot of calluses on their hands, because they have to wear gloves when handling rope, and wire. It gets to be a part of who you are. If you're going out to work, you put on your gloves. The work cowboys do, if they didn't wear gloves, they'd have no hands left. So, don't look for calluses so much as a worn out pair of gloves. Their clothes usually look really comfortable, who needs their pants chafing in the heat of the day, or a shirt binding you around the shoulders, when you have to do some lifting? And their boots? Stories could be written about the old pair of run-down boots on that man's feet. They look to be a part of him. The uppers may have been repaired where spur-straps have rubbed through, the heel is run-down, they probably sag out a little, but they fit his feet like that worn-in pair of gloves fit his hands. If you look into a cowboy's eyes, you'll see traces of sunsets long-gone, and sunrises he never thought he'd see. You'll see that blue-norther that came down like a freight train, and caught him out with the stock, or the Tornado that crossed the valley in front of him that time. You'll see time after time of riding drag. (that's following the herd, and breathing the dust they kick up) You'll see the speculation of what he might find up the trail, over the next rise, or around the next bend, as he's riding lead. Everything when you're riding lead is examined in respect to what it means to the herd, you learn to think that way. Nowadays, there are not a lot of open ranges for the cowboy to learn his trade, not a lot of herding done anymore, no place really to drive them to, so the cowboy, in that respect is a dying breed, but he can still be found. He can be found in the firefighter that goes in, when common-sense says to run. In the cop, who enters a dark, unfamiliar place to make sure it's safe for your family. In the Paramedic who holds your hand, and tells you no matter what happens, he won't leave you. You can find a little bit of the cowboy in each of these, and in the truck-driver who stops to help, or guides you through a bad storm in the middle of the night, even though you cut him off earlier that day. I guess the thing is, we all of us have a little bit of the "Cowboy Heritage" in us. If we just stop to think about it. ©F.Pierce 7/15/06

July 13, 2006

entry for july 13, 2006 jul 12, '06 11:20 pm for everyone THIS ENTRY IS PART II OF JULY 12, 2006...Previously posted... If you haven't already, read the previous entry. The story starts there. Thanks. Next installment. When we last left Fred, the intrepid Truck roller-overer, he was being removed from the wreckage of the truck and placed in an Ambulance. Now, I don't know why they put me in an Ambulance, except they did take a blood sample for the state trooper who'd arrived at the scene. I knew they were careflighting me out, and frankly, just being free of the truck, I was a happy little camper, but that's where they first put me. They took my vital signs again, took off my boots, and belt, then started cutting off my clothes. I think they turned the Ambulance around, I'm not sure, but within a very few minutes, they told me it was going to be cold and windy, as they were transferring me to the Helicopter, which they promptly proceeded to do, so farewell to my nice, good friends Jerry and Chris, and on to bigger, and better things I hoped. At least I felt like I was in pretty good hands because Jerry and Chris hadn't led me wrong yet, and they trusted these new people, and that was good enough for me! Wow! It was sure-enough cold out there in that wind after being clothed, and confined for so long, at least it had been sheltered, and they'd had a blanket over me! Now, I was out in a STRONG wind, the Sun just coming up, and the predawn chill being blown all about my delicate, semi-naked, strapped down, and wounded self! B-R-R-r-r-r-r!! The Flying Nurse/Dr/Paramedic/Person Guy locked my gurney onto what appeared to me the edge of this tiny little helicopter, and shut the door, then came in the other side, which if my arms hadn't been strapped down, I could have held open for him, and sat by my upper body, placing my boots right at my head. I could see there was another Person down by my feet, but not clearly. I was strapped into a cervical collar, so I had no range-of-motion to see. All I could see was a little bit of sky, and the rotor whirring by, I figured as long as I couldn't make out the actual blade, we'd probably be ok. The Nurse/Dr/Paramedic told me he was going to give me a shot to help relax me, which he did, and boy, it worked! Morphine! I asked him when we were going to get airborne, and he laughed, said we'd been in the air about 5 minutes already, and were about 20 minutes out from the hospital. The rest of the flight was uneventful, except that I told him this was my first civilian helicopter ride, and I'd have liked to have been able to see. He laughed and told me to relax. When we were coming in to land the helicopter bumped around a little, turbulence, so he and I decided to tell the pilot we didn't really like roller-coasters. By, the way, during the flight, they'd cut the rest of my clothes away. When we landed, it was quick, onto a bigger hospital gurney, and roll away into the building. I met a nice new Doctor. I don't remember his name, but he told me they were going to roll me onto my right side, pull out the rest of my clothes from under me, and that he was going to check my neck and back for spinal injuries, and that he was sorry, but that he would have to stick a finger in my butt, to check for something in there too, nearest I can figure, they wanted to feel if my guts had compressed down and were pushing that way, I don't know for sure. I do know that I told him fine, but since he had to check there anyway, and I'm almost due my year 50 prostate exam, if he could go ahead and do that too, I'd be grateful. For some reason the whole Medical Team around me exploded into laughter. I thought it was cute, but not that funny. He checked my neck, spine and sphincter, then when they rolled me over he said By the way? You're Prostate's fine, no problem there. So I felt better about that. They covered me with lots of heated blankets, got me started to be warm and cozy, between the blankets and the morphine, then ripped it all off to send me thru a cat scan machine, then full-body X-rays. About this time things were getting to be a little fuzzy. I was really starting to relax after the cat-scan, thinking they'd see I was ok, and probably send me home in an hour or two, when 3 Oral-surgeons came in, or 1 Oral Surgeon, 1 Resident-in-Training Oral Surgeon, and some guy they must have picked up at the local diner who looked like maybe he could learn, so they were teaching him along the way. This is the one who had the needles full of novocaine that the Senior guy insisted he shove up to my eye-balls. Seriously, he told this kid, that when he thought the needle, must be about at my eye-ball, that it was really about "here" marking a place about my cheek-bone, where there is an apparently large nerve center that just demands to be deadened, before they could operate. (side-note: One of my friends who saw me just before this point said that indeed she could see through where my top lip should have been into my sinus cavity. She said you could see way into the back of my head! She was creeped out and, knowing her, she probably fainted! Girls!!) Anyway, they got it all deadened, I couldn't really see much of what they were doing and I couldn't feel anything but a tug here, or a tug there, so I went to sleep, pretty much. That's about the whole thing, except they sewed up my arm at the same time, and I didn't even know it. Oh! and the catheter!! They should put that in while you are asleep! I think that thing is made of super-small braids of barbed- wire! Jeez!!! that thing hurt!!! ©F.Pierce 7/13/06

July 5, 2006

entry for july 05, 2006 jul 5, '06 11:27 pm for everyone Well, yesterday was the fourth of July, and I had lots of family over, neither of my older kids bothered to show up, but that's ok, we had fun anyway. It rained like you wouldn't believe. Of course, it didn't start until after I got the fire going in the grill! Reference the above picture. You will see a grill, standing alone in the middle of a dreary backyard. That's because it was raining! I mean Noah's flood raining! By the way, that grill was full of hamburgers and hot-dogs. The rain was cold enough that it kept cooling the grill, and I kept having to go out and coax the darn thing into actually cooking the food I'd put in it! I couldn't get the temp above 120 degrees for the life of me, but I perservered. The running joke was that if everybody would come back in a week, the food would probably be cooked by then. Thank God, my brother-in-law James was here. He's an Ace grill-cooker, and helped tremendously, when he wasn't snickering about me having to attend the darn thing in the rain. But, all-in-all it was a good day. We had a lot of fun, and we all got to catch up with each other a little. Not something that we get to do much.©F.Pierce *Note* I later found out that James and Denise were very angry that I was able to buy myself a grill and yet not be able to repay them for helping with Laurie's burial. We had agreed that I would repay them as soon as I finished paying $500 a month to the IRS for taxes Laurie hadn't paid. We had an argument later in the year over it and have never talked since.

June 28, 2006

entry for june 28, 2006 jun 27, '06 11:41 pm for everyone Well, today I got letter from an old friend, Danny Gamble. For those of you who don't know, Danny and Darla (his ex-wife) were some of mine and Laurie's earliest, and we thought, best friends. Darla was cheating on Danny, and so he fondled his daughter. They got divorced, and he got 10 years probation, and Laurie and I haven't seen him, or heard from him in a couple of years. Now, all of a sudden, he sends me a letter from prison! Acts like we're long-lost brothers! Actually, to my mind, we were Brothers before he screwed up. I can't countenance what he did, but it's not up to me to forgive either, just to be wary for my own daughter's sake! Anyway, no word from him after Laurie died, nothing! Now he wants pictures of 'his niece?' Oh yeah, as an aside, he also sent me vouchers to put money on his inmate fund. Can you say 'Ulterior Motive?' I knew you could! LMAO!! I'm going to write him back. I don't think I'll send any pictures though, and I don't know about the inmate fund either. I guess I'm doubtful of his interest, shall we say?©F.Pierce *NOTE* a little over 6 years later and I've never heard anything else from him.

June 26, 2006

entry for june 26, 2006 jun 26, '06 11:49 pm for everyone Tara's over ten months old now, and I want to let her know how I feel about her Mom, and our life together, but I want her future to be hers, not a constant reminder. I want her birthday to be about her, she desrves that, and Laurie wouldn't want to take our daughter's special day away from her. I still have mixed feelings about the day she was born, it was the worst day of my life so far, the best too. But, and this is a BIG but, it was the day my little baby was born, and I wouldn't trade her, or the joy she's brought me for anything. So, I want to shift the focus of that day from the pain, to the joy. It was a painful day, but the anniversaries should be happy days to mark the times of the life her mom gave her. We should consiously give her the best birthdays we can, to celebrate her life, and the gift Laurie gave us all. So let's make August 23 a special day in our family. I think I'm going to start shifting the focus of this blog too. I'll still write occasionally about my feelings concerning Laurie, and my loss, but more about the things that are happening now, and the feelings/thoughts they inspire in me. ©F.Pierce

June 19, 2006

entry for june 19, 2006 jun 18, '06 11:47 pm for everyone There is a darkness in me, that's almost overwhelming sometimes. The GRIEF!!! I know it's easier than it was at first, I thought it might consume me back then, now I know it won't, but sometimes it comes over me like a wave coming in at high tide. Thank God it comes in waves, if it just hit me and stayed, I don't think I could take it for long, and I've a strong psyche. Also, thank God for my friends! They've surely gotten more than an earful of my moping sometimes. I got one of them crying so hard, missing Laurie, she had to hang up, and didn't talk with me for three weeks. To that special friend, "Thank you for listening". You all are special friends to me, you know. You are what keep me on an even keel. Truthfully, along with the darkness, there's an incredible light. The pure joy of being. And being aware of how temporary this life is, and how precious everyone of us is, not to mention how precious is every breath we take. Along with the darkness, there are times when I feel like dancing for the pure joy of life! I'm reminded of the psalm, "Make a joyful noise unto the lord." He is so sweet to us, and we miss it so often. I grieve over losing my Laurie, but He gives me love again, and the ability to love again, and so goes Healing! The picture above, is of Laurie and I at my Dad's funeral, all unaware that within such a short time, Tara and I would be at one for my dear Laurie. People, don't ever take life, or those living around you for granted. Not even the stranger who cut you off! We are all God's children, and there's no way to know when one of us may be called Home. Be loving, Be loved.©F.Pierce *Note* The picture referred to was lost when Yahoo 360 went offline.

June 14, 2006

entry for june 14, 2006 jun 13, '06 11:44 pm for everyone I was thinking about how man is made in God's image. It occurs to me that neither a man, nor a woman is really in God's image, but the two, joined, fit His image rather well. Consider God as the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Then look at a truly loving couple, soulmates if you will, there's a lesser parallel: The Husband, The Wife, and the spirit of love that surrounds them. This is how we are made into God's image. This thought brings me to soulmates, we've all heard about them, the lucky ones of us have met ours, and unfortunately, I, among others, have lost mine. (see previous blogs) So, can there be more than one soulmate? Is there a chance for me, and others like me, to find that degree of love and happiness in our lives again? What, exactly is a soulmate? I think there are soul-matches out there, and that when we find a soul-match, that as we date, and get to know that person, their soul, and ours will begin to become more than a match, or that the match will grow to be all-encompassing. Eventually, a soul-match will grow into a soulmate. In becoming soulmates, our individual souls merge into a greater soul, shared by the soulmates, so that together they are apparently more than the two halves, and as fellow humans, we can all feel this difference to some degree or another. That's the Union, under God that we all need so fundementally that we crave it, or conversely, give up, and turn our backs on it. When a soulmate dies, then the one left feels something more than grief. You feel that a part of you has been amputated, or more accurately, that some indefinable part of you has been torn away. This is the loss of the "joined soul" that you've grown accustomed to,and that you need so badly to feel whole. It feels like you'll never be whole again, although your own soul is still left in place, and intact. You feel less than you were, and indeed you are! The rub here, is to realize that this is what's happening to you, and that God, in His Wisdom, and in His Own time, will heal you, and then bring you into contact with other soul-matches, because to be soulmates is the Natural Way of being for Humankind. We flounder, we fall, we get into all the wrong relationships because we don't want to wait, we are impatient children, and this is more true for those who have never found a soulmate than those of us who've lost one, because we have a yardstick to measure with, if we've come to realize the truth about soulmates, and trust in God's guidance. I'm not sure that I've fully expressed this thought, so there may be more to come. If anyone has questions, or wants to discuss this further, I would be more than happy to converse with you. (6 years later... I had left Christianity behind me long before Laurie's death. At the time and in my grief, I suffered a relapse because it does give the mind some comfort in believing what they teach. Now, I've come to understand that Man wasn't made in God's image. God was made in man's image. There may or may not be a God out there, I sincerely hope that there is, but I'm almost certain that if there is, He/She/It/They are most emphatically NOT the God of Churchianity.) ©F.Pierce

June 3, 2006

entry for june 03, 2006 jun 3, '06 11:14 pm for everyone This is the picture of the ship I was attached to in the Navy. It was decommissioned and sold for scrap in 1999. I was aboard when this picture was taken. I downloaded it Memorial Day this year. On Memorial Day, we're supposed to focus, and remember those who gave their lives in service to our country, but I was thinking, hmm, well I was the suicide prevention/ drug and alcohol rep for this ship during the evacuation from Vietnam, and subsequent trials and tribulations. I witnessed a lot of guys who committed, or attempted to commit suicide because they had lost faith, or just couldn't see a way back home, or were scared, or just plain couldn't handle the stress and pressure. We should remember them also, for they gave more than they had available to give. they were broken, or bent severely by a situation they had no control over, or by things they'd seen or done that they couldn't live with anymore. These men sacrificed their lives every bit as much as those who died, and went there willingly, not knowing the price they were to pay for it. None of us knew the price. Almost all of us, if not all, have had broken marriages, broken homes, broken dreams, nightmares, restlessness, and broken lives. We've got an extraordinary amount of alcoholism, and drug abuse in our ranks, we tend to be distant with our relatives. Cold to our children. We are generally a bunch of hard men, because we had to be hard when we were still boys. Some have achieved remarkable success, some remarkable failure, but we all still stand shoulder to shoulder with the men we lived, fought, cried and died with. We will never forget each other, and as we age, we begin to understand why our fathers tried to stay in touch, because now, 30 years later, we are finally beginning to be able to find each other and share a little. So, for Memorial Days from now on, if you read this, look at the Veteran in your life, and realize there are emotions locked in there you will never understand, that he, or now she has seen, done and dealt with daily nightmares to keep us all free and safe. And we did it out of love! Love for our families, for each other, and for a nation that didn't, and still doesn't care one bit, and we'd do it again in a heartbeat, if we had to. That's the man you see when you look at me. By the way, tomorrow, the 4th of June is the 3rd Anniversary of my Dad's death. Just an additional note concerning that: I love you, Dad, and miss you very much ©F.Pierce 6/3/06

I am actually a member of a Nudist community, centered around a nearby Resort. The first time I went there, as a guest, I was nervous going through the gate, and into the parking lot. We were passed by a couple in a golf cart as we were parking. They were around 130 years old. He was skinny and saggy, she was fat and saggy and neither of them were one bit ashamed, or apparently even aware, of their state of undress. They cheerily waved and greeted us as they passed.

So, we get parked, grab our coolers and lawn chairs, towels, sunblock, hats, etc. and drag it all up to the community center and pool area. There were about 150 naked people of all sizes, shapes and colors. I quietly asked the people I had gone with where we were supposed to change. They smiled, shucked their clothes and said, "Wherever you feel comfortable, except the pool - no clothes of any kind in the pool." So, still a little nervous, I disrobed, and sat down on my chair - sunglasses firmly in place, and privates covered just-in-case. Now you'd think that, as a guy, you'd notice all of the women first. Nope, the first person I noticed was a guy about my age, with a beer belly, lots of hair all over (including his back) and no apparent penis. He was completely oblivious. I began to relax. After that, I started noticing the women, they also came in all shapes, sizes, colors, and ages. None of them were the least bit concerned about being naked in front of other people. I realized that I wasn't at all aroused, but the nervousness was taking a step back.

After about half an hour of baking, I got in the pool. There were about 15 people standing or floating in a loose circle in the water, talking and laughing. They all took care to introduce themselves to me, make me feel comfortable and include me in their conversation. I began to feel comfortable with these folks.

By the end of that first day, I had a great tan, a slight burn and about 75 people who were friendly with me. And I had stopped noticing all of the naked people, or that I was naked too.

Last time I went, I began to make a deal to buy a travel-trailer on the premises, so that we would have a place to stay over on weekends when we go there. When the crowd heard we were buying in, they all stood and welcomed us to the community as full members.

There's a small house for sale there too. If my circumstances were different, I would have bought that house and moved in permanently.

I can't begin to tell you how free, how comfortable it feels. If there's a place within travelling distance of you, where you can try it, I would definitely recommend giving it a go. It's not for everyone, but a lot of people would be surprised that they rather like it.

May 21, 2006

entry for may 21, 2006 may 20, '06 11:56 pm for everyone This time, at least it's been less than a month! I've been working my little tail off, and think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, if it's not an oncoming train! Ms. T has gotten so big! She can say "Dada", "Bubba" and "diaper" now. She's rolling all over the floor, can get on her hands and knees, but not crawl yet. She plays "peek-a-boo" and has developed this weird habit of grabbing double-fistfuls of hair and pulling herself up into it, then opening her mouth wide, and wiping her face in the hair. I don't know why. She's also doing facial expressions, like squinting while snorting through her nose, trying to wink, and this huge grin! She's so funny. She knows Daddy's leaving when he puts on his ballcap, and tries to take it off my head when I bend to kiss her goodbye, so I can't leave. She is such a precious little gift of God! I'm so glad He gave her to me, and know deep in my heart that her Mom is there, just out of our sight, watching, and is so proud of her. I still miss her Mom with all of my heart. The ache sometimes is almost intolerable, but T's such a precious little person, having her here helps so much. It gives me the strength to face each day, and realize there is life, and hope still to go on, maybe thats what courage to go on is all about. ©F.Pierce 5/21/06

May 1, 2006

entry for may 01, 2006 apr 30, '06 11:25 pm for everyone Well it has been a very long time since I put in an entry here. Sorry 'bout that. Last week was mine and Laurie's 8th anniversary of when we set up house together, or shacked up, or whatever....and I had a long, serious talk with Melissa that day, April 25. Sometimes it's hard to realize how others take a life-changing -or wrecking- event. So, anyway I think it was good, At least it was for me, even though I cried like a baby. When do you get over the pain? Most days are ok, although I usually choke up at least once, sometime during the day. She meant so much to me.... I was going to tell about our last day, so little Ms. T could read it later, but instead, I'll let it suffice to say that our last words were "I love you, and I'll see you in a little while," from me. Laurie answered, "Either in a little while, or in Heaven, and we'll hold each other then." Then Laurie added that I should take care of Ms. T for her, then we kissed. The next time I saw her was in the ICU a couple of hours later, and the Staff was desperately trying to stabilize her. After 5 1/2 hours, they gave up, and Paul and I went in and held her hands, and told her how much we loved her for her last 45 minutes on this earth. We held on until about 10 minutes after her heart quit beating, just in case she could still hear us. It was the worst few hours in my life. To lose your Soul-mate that way..Oh, man its completely indescribable for anyone who hasn't been there, and completely unnecessary to describe for those who have. ( I later found out that she had actually died within 30 seconds of Tara's birth. The Doctors decided to try to keep her body on life-support long enough for us to gather our family. She actually died at 2:05pm, but wasn't officially declared dead until after 8pm that night.) Her heart quit beating...it was such a large heart, and so full of love, I just couldn't believe God would let that happen to us, I still have trouble with that one, even though I know better, and He probably saved her from something much worse, that she couldn't handle. That's what I tell myself, anyway. I hope its true. I know I'm not afraid of death, because in a little time I'll be reunited with my sweet Angel, and I won't even care about the two credit cards, or the IRS debt. It'll be enough just to hold her again. I tried so hard to protect her, and give her a good life. I couldn't protect her from death though. If sheer will-power could have, she'd still be here. I can't complain though, I have T, and she's such a precious gift, worth both our lives, and more. I have to do the best I can now for her, she's the focus of my life now. I've tried dating twice now, and realized some things about myself. I'm ready to find someone to invest time in, and getting to know, not to replace Laurie, and not to marry, not yet, its too soon. Just to have companionship, and love. We all need love in our lives, and I realize that, so it's not time to move on yet, but maybe its time to make a beginning. I just need someone to snuggle, hold and give me a stiff drink! ok, well that didn't quite come out the way I planned it, but I'll let it ride.......more later ©F.Pierce 5/1/06

Dec. 8, 2005

entry for december 08, 2005 dec 8, '05 11:26 pm for everyone Well, here it is almost Christmas, I don't feel much like Christmas though. I haven't set up a tree or bought presents or anything. Thanksgiving was a bust, I went through the motions, but wasn't really into it. I quit my job at GTI, and am planning to go to work for L&P rentals hauling a water tanker. Keep your fingers crossed. They were supposed to call me today, and didn't. Since my last entry, I got a girl-friend, and broke up with her all in a month, life goes on. There are three others I'm talking with, and a 4th that I'm interested in. My friends Wayne and Melissa got back in touch with me, Good. I miss them a lot, and wish I could see them, maybe some time soon I can. Ms.T's growing, way too fast for Daddy. She Talks! All the time. She's trying to say Daddy! It's so cute. She can sit up now, a little, and she's discovered her tongue. She's trying to learn to click it. She sticks it out at you fine, though! Paul has also taught her to "do the lip!" They pooch their bottom lip out at each other then giggle like little fiends! He's so good with her. I almost forgot to mention, today is my mom's 80th birthday. Hooray!! Mom!! She's doing ok, we went and saw her today. Well, that's the news for now. Laurie, I miss you baby! XOXOXO ©F.Pierce 12/8/05 *Note* I had started dating this woman and very soon began to feel guilty, like I was cheating on Laurie. I also realized I was trying to transfer emotions. Very unhealthy thing to do. These led up to this woman and I breaking up. I didn't date again for several months and nothing serious for another year.

Sept. 18, 2005

entry for september 18, 2005 sep 17, '05 11:13 pm for everyone Well, here we are again, I've been really missing Laurie the past couple of days. She was the center of my whole life, and it's a lot duller without her.Life goes on however, and we're taking it one day at a time. here's another composite picture, hope you all like it. ©F.Pierce 9/18/05

Sept 11, 2005

entry for september 11, 2005 sep 10, '05 11:39 pm for everyone Well, it's been a while since I wrote in here. Lets see, I went back to work last week, and that was rough. Laurie and I were on the truck together for 5 years, then when I got this local job, she was always nearby, so we could meet for breakfast, and she'd always be waiting to meet me at the door in the evening, so it really hit home. T went to the baby doctor on Wednesday, and has gained 15 oz. in a week. She now weighs in at a whopping 6 pounds, 8 ounces, and is growing. The Doctor was thrilled, she's a tiny vietnamese lady named Lin Doan-Pham, and I'm really pleased with her so far. Since today is sept.11 and some of you may not know, I'll tell you what we were doing on 9-11-01. We started the day on I-80 in eastern Indiana, right at the Ohio state line, heading east to New Jersey. I turned on the cb to find out what was going on around the state line, and heard some driver talking about "dirty ragheads", I said "Can't we all get along?" He asked if I'd heard the news, and told me to turn on the radio. That's when we heard about the first tower. by 9:00 we were pulling into the truck stop at Toledo, and they were telling all traffic to get off the road. We had just walked into the resaurant when the second tower was hit. Laurie started crying, because she'd been having dreams about a fiery crash, and lots of bodies. We sat and watched till about noon, then got the word that refrigerated trucks (which we were) going east could go on to Carlisle, PA. So, a bunch of us headed out that way. We drove right past the crash in Pa. on the turnpike, funny thing about that. They were telling us that the plane had crashed east of Pittsburgh, and south of the turnpike. We were driving along, looking right for signs of the crash, and went right past it. It was within view f the road, but on the north side, to our left. The state put the information out wrong, in order to stop people from slowing or stopping traffic to rubberneck. We got to Carlisle, Pa. about 3:30 that afternoon. (Oh, while we were in Toledo, it was broadcast on local news that an airliner had been shot down in the great lakes, headed to Chicago, and that another one was taken over by the passengers and landed safely in Cleveland, neither of these items ever made National news, but we saw the one in Cleveland) That night we were sent on to New Jersey, where we were checked at the Delaware river, given a white sign with a big red dot in it to put in the windshield, dropped our trailer at the reciever, picked up an empty trailer, and spent the next three weeks shuttling I/V meds from Knoxville Tn. to Jersey City on what they called the "Red-Ball." ©F.Pierce 9/11/05

Sept. 3, 2005

Well, last night little Ms. T and I didn't get much sleep. We finally got settled in after her 4:00 feeding. note: never feed your baby coffee and formula!(bad combination) {by the way, I didn't}. We met Suzie and Steve for breakfast this morning, then T went with her aunt Denise for a big trip to Dallas, and boy she was glad to be home! She wouldn't settle down till I'd held her for about 20 minutes. Here's something strange, Suzie told me this morning that right about the time Laurie died, while they were on their way to the hopital, they saw (a plane?) something she thought was an angel, going straight up into the sky, with gold vapor trails streaming off the wings. She started crying, and told Steve that Laurie had just died, and she'd seen her spirit going up to Heaven. Beautiful! ©F.Pierce 9/3/05

Sept 2, 2005

entry for september 02, 2005 sep 1, '05 11:40 pm for everyone (Image missing) Here's Laurie at the Fort Worth Zoo. She loved it so much. She wanted to adopt a koala bear, so if any of you want to, go ahead and do that in her name. Thank you to our friends, and family for your unconditional support during this time, it is appreciated so much, special thanks to Denise, you're the best ever, sis. Oh yeah, and Cecil for lending an ear, and a shoulder, and Becky and Della for hugs, love and support.

Originally posted on Yahoo360, Sept. 1, 2005

Laurie was such a special person, she loved her life so much, and was looking forward to raising our daughter, Ms. T. I've set up this site in remembrance of her, and to share our love with all interested parties. I have set up a not-for profit fund in memorial to Laurie in Tara's name, and hope that this will help defray some of the expenses incurred, help Tara with needs as she grows, and hopefully contribute to research into this terrible, devastating event. Please contact me for information. Please feel free to comment, add memories of her, or your special loved one, or just browse the page. I will be updating this page as time goes on