May 1, 2006

entry for may 01, 2006 apr 30, '06 11:25 pm for everyone Well it has been a very long time since I put in an entry here. Sorry 'bout that. Last week was mine and Laurie's 8th anniversary of when we set up house together, or shacked up, or whatever....and I had a long, serious talk with Melissa that day, April 25. Sometimes it's hard to realize how others take a life-changing -or wrecking- event. So, anyway I think it was good, At least it was for me, even though I cried like a baby. When do you get over the pain? Most days are ok, although I usually choke up at least once, sometime during the day. She meant so much to me.... I was going to tell about our last day, so little Ms. T could read it later, but instead, I'll let it suffice to say that our last words were "I love you, and I'll see you in a little while," from me. Laurie answered, "Either in a little while, or in Heaven, and we'll hold each other then." Then Laurie added that I should take care of Ms. T for her, then we kissed. The next time I saw her was in the ICU a couple of hours later, and the Staff was desperately trying to stabilize her. After 5 1/2 hours, they gave up, and Paul and I went in and held her hands, and told her how much we loved her for her last 45 minutes on this earth. We held on until about 10 minutes after her heart quit beating, just in case she could still hear us. It was the worst few hours in my life. To lose your Soul-mate that way..Oh, man its completely indescribable for anyone who hasn't been there, and completely unnecessary to describe for those who have. ( I later found out that she had actually died within 30 seconds of Tara's birth. The Doctors decided to try to keep her body on life-support long enough for us to gather our family. She actually died at 2:05pm, but wasn't officially declared dead until after 8pm that night.) Her heart quit beating...it was such a large heart, and so full of love, I just couldn't believe God would let that happen to us, I still have trouble with that one, even though I know better, and He probably saved her from something much worse, that she couldn't handle. That's what I tell myself, anyway. I hope its true. I know I'm not afraid of death, because in a little time I'll be reunited with my sweet Angel, and I won't even care about the two credit cards, or the IRS debt. It'll be enough just to hold her again. I tried so hard to protect her, and give her a good life. I couldn't protect her from death though. If sheer will-power could have, she'd still be here. I can't complain though, I have T, and she's such a precious gift, worth both our lives, and more. I have to do the best I can now for her, she's the focus of my life now. I've tried dating twice now, and realized some things about myself. I'm ready to find someone to invest time in, and getting to know, not to replace Laurie, and not to marry, not yet, its too soon. Just to have companionship, and love. We all need love in our lives, and I realize that, so it's not time to move on yet, but maybe its time to make a beginning. I just need someone to snuggle, hold and give me a stiff drink! ok, well that didn't quite come out the way I planned it, but I'll let it ride.......more later ©F.Pierce 5/1/06